personal struggle: fear

After spending the last three days knitting swatches for a design that I had in mind, I've finally settled on one that I really like and can envision in the shape that I've been planning on.  So what's the problem?  Well, I really want to have this be specifically for tall women and I'm afraid that by going with a yarn company I won't have as much control over what happens to the design.  Now, I could totally publish it myself (as I have with other designs), but my following is so small that I doubt many knitters would see it.  I could advertise on Ravelry (and I'm sure I will eventually) but that seems like a really big step and I feel like I should have multiple designs to go up all together so that when the knitter comes over to look, they'll find several options for tall knitters.  I sort of feel like this step would be better off if I had a collection of sorts.  I have enough yarn to knit about 10 sweaters for myself, but perhaps not any of the sweaters I've got in mind, and I can't really afford to design a collection without some yarn support...which brings me full circle back to the yarn company. 

Yarn companies provide yarn support and will pay for the design if they like it.  I want them to like my design.  I want as many people as possible to like my design.  But it's my design and I like it, and I want to keep it for myself.  I'm afraid to let this one go out into the world, and I'm thinking about keeping it and sending some of my less personal designs out into the world.  I sort of feel like I want my tall-knitter designs to stay home and attend a local junior college for two years be all mine and independent from the control and influence of a major corporation.  Getting involved with a major company (even one that I know to be Good People) is a big step and it scares me.  This is completely different from the way that I like to work, and I'm willing to grow but I'm just scared to take that first step.  So maybe I'll take the step with some of my less personal designs and see what happens.  Sort of a 'getting to know you' pattern submission before I lay all my cards on the table.  But my vanity and drive cause me to want to do my best work so I can show off a little bit.  I'm feeling conflicted about wanting to show them what I'm really capable of as a knitter/designer, and wanting to keep things casual to see if I even like working this way. 

To be honest, I've got a few non-sweater designs that I'm pretty excited about and I like these designs, but I'm not as protective over them.  Most of them were designed with this company's yarns in mind.  So I guess what I should do is to work on those right now and submit them to see how it goes.  If I like the process, and I can maintain a decent amount of control over the finished design, then maybe I'll push forward with my pattern line under the umbrella of a major company.  If not, I've got several new reference books in my shopping cart online that addresses these issues and I can learn how to go it alone.  So, I guess I'm back to the sketch book and swatching some more.