Touch of OCD

Yesterday I went to counseling with my husband, and we talked a little bit about how I usually take on way too much, and then I'm way too hard on myself about how things come out. Like the time that I sent the photo of my 2x2 ribbing to the Knitters Guild to have them look and tell me that I had done wrong, and they told me that the swatch looked fine and I was being too hard on myself. "This is not machine knitting" she told me. I've always had a hard time accepting compliments, and I usually concentrate on the areas that I didn't do well, and don't see all the things that I did very well.

During the session, I got to talking about how the stress of my father's death, my break-up, moving, and finding out about Dante's ADHD left a mark on me and how I haven't been quite the same since. I feel like I just didn't handle things as well as I could have...I was just too tired and too agitated to be much of a parent to Dante for at least a year. I wasn't very much fun to live with, and I think that it affected my relationship with Dante for a long time. We weren't very close and I had a hard time connecting with him. All my time went to making sure that I got him to school, that I got to work, and that we both got to church. I felt a bit like Bella in New Moon after Edward left her, and she spent most of the book pretending to be normal for Charlie. I tried to look like nothing was wrong for Dante. And now I have guilt about that. Even though I know that I shouldn't and that nothing that happened was my fault, I still feel it. Now I get really upset anytime I talk about Dante and things that he's been through, like 6th grade math, because all I can think about is everything that I didn't get to do for him. My counselor stopped me in the middle of telling her everything I was doing now to make sure he can pass math this coming year, and told me that I started to cry about not doing enough, but all she's heard me talk about is everything that I was doing for my family. It's just that what ever I do never seems like enough when I'm working, and maybe I'm feeling a little anxiety about going back to work.

I should start work in the next week or two and to help me stay focused, I have asked Aaron to tell me when I'm being too hard on myself. We talked in the session, and decided that he should ask me if he can help me with anything, and that can be my que to calm down or re-prioritize. But the really funny thing that we talked about is that I knit constantly because I need to do something with my hands at all times. I'm used to running on all cylinders, all the time and I don't know how to do one thing at a time anymore. She said that I might have a touch of OCD and that the knitting helps hold off the anxiety. It's funny because I studied OCD this week, and usually Psychology students get paranoid that they have everything they read about (like med students do), but I didn't pick up anything when I read about OCD. I figured I had some issues with depression (which I have in the past) but not any compulsive issues. And maybe I have a little bit of a compulsion to knit, but it doesn't help at all that there are so many patterns out there that I want to knit, that I couldn't get them all knit if I did nothing but knit every day of my life. So last night after I realized that I made a mistake on the heel flap and had to rip it back, I decided that it was a good time to put the knitting down, went and got a hot cocoa, and sat on the couch next to Aaron and just watched wrestling with him. It was relaxing. Maybe I'll try today to allow myself to do nothing, and see what happens.

Today, Dante passed the sacrament for the first time. He had two babies trying to talk to him as he took the sacrament tray out to the lobby for anyone who arrived a little late. It was really cute. I was alone in primary except for Kristen who was a huge help, and we pulled some missionaries in (at her suggestion) to play piano for us for music time. I blew the dust off of my Family Home Evening manual and found the section on scriptures this morning to flesh out my lesson a little bit. It's funny how you try to prepare this whole lesson plan, and then when you get into it, it diverts off in a whole different direction. I guess that's the direction that the spirit thought my lesson needed to go. I played Bible or Book of Mormon with the Junior primary, where I put up the names of nine prophets from each of the books ( three new testament, three old testament, and three BofM), and had them tell me if the prophet is from the Bible or the Book of Mormon. It was really cute, but things were a bit out of wack today as they just had trouble paying attention with all the new people we had down there filling in for the day. Then we only had one child in Senior primary, so I pulled up a chair and we talked about the scriptures, what is in there, and then played Bible or Book of Mormon again, but this time we had two of the teachers play with him, and they had to tell if the prophet was in the New Testament, Old Testament, or Book of Mormon, plus something about that person. It went over really well on a smaller scale.

I'm swatching for my Something Red cardigan and I spent about an hour looking for something that I could use that was worsted weight, and roughly the same weight as the suggested yarn. I don't have anything that's exact, but I do have two options that are in the neighborhood of what I'm looking for. I checked Ravelry and one of the other knitters used the Cascade 220 which I have in my stash for another sweater but I don't think I'll be using it for that. Then I have some Lyon Brand Wool Ease in a country blue that I'm swatching with right now. I've got enough of both to knit this sweater, but I think I'd really like to be able to throw it in the washing machine and dryer because I really want something to wear to work. I've been knitting work-wear recently. I also have to cast on again for my Grandmother's socks. I took the other one off the needles because I just hated the yarn I was using and I love the pattern so I just picked up the Comfort DK in yellow and I'll start over again. Maybe right after I settle on the yarn I want for my sweater. I've always got a pair of socks on the needles, maybe I need to have a sweater on the needles at all times too!

Vindication

Today I took Dante to the tutor for the first time. She had him take a math assessment to see where he was and what he needed help with. When he finished the test and she graded it, she told me (privately) that he had scored at a 5th grade level in math and that I was right. She said "it was like last year never happened". He specifically needs help in fractions, percentages and decimals (just like I said). I told her how the LEA called me this week and said that she hadn't pulled Dante's file and doesn't know what's in his IEP, and also that she wasn't sure what my primary complaint was. I told her that my primary complaint is that he was failing because he didn't learn anything, and now my other issue is that they passed him even though he didn't learn anything! The tutor is going to have another teacher look over the results just to be sure that what she saw is accurate, and she is going to write a report for me to take to the school next year. The did not teach him any coping skills, which I asked them to do, and they clearly did not teach him any math. So now he should only need a few sessions with her to refresh and pick up what he missed, and hopefully he'll be done just before I go back to work.

Aaron is going to have a procedure done on his right leg to fix the varicose vein in two weeks. They don't strip the veins anymore; they will insert a catheter into his vein and cauterise it. It's an out patient procedure so he should be up and around the next day.

Alex is still refusing to potty train unless he is completely naked. If he wears a pull-up he just goes in the pull-up, and if he wears underwear, he pees his pants. He only uses the potty if he's not wearing any bottoms, and that's just not going to work in the outside world.

Dante has tutoring, and summer reading to do. I have to make him play outside because Alex goes totally nuts if Dante is in the house. He's like a completely different child.

I finished my Mina's Tuxedo Vest and it finally dried (after 36 hours). I wore it out today and it's not bad at all. I think I'll be getting use out of it at my new job. I'm trying to re-read Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince before the movie starts this Wednesday. I'll be taking Dante to see it for his birthday. This is my 9th week of this term and my final papers have to be turned in by Tuesday at midnight. I have one turned in, and the other submitted to the writing center for review. I have sharing time this Sunday, and after next week I'll have a week break before starting an Algebra class and an Honor's Cognitive Psychology class. My work is cut our for me this time. I'll be trying to work on my Master's Level work during my week off from school, and working on a pair of socks for my Grandma.

Happy 12th Birthday Dante!

Today is Dante's birthday and he is 12. Just let that sink in a little bit. He participated in a full fast today, went into Young Men's, and was ordained as a Deacon in church. All big things. After the fast was over I made taco's for dinner at his request and baked a chocolate cake because he is tired of having 4th of July cakes every year. On the 15th, he and I will go to see the new Harry Potter movie for his birthday.

Now, as some of you may know I am a recent vegetarian. I was given a blessing after getting really sick and was told twice during the blessing to stay away from meat. I've been praying about it just about every night and I haven't gotten any message to the contrary so...no meat it is. I haven't forced my family to join me on this journey yet and my husband isn't very excited about it so it's just been me and sometimes Alex because he doesn't really like meat anyway. Dante will eat what ever I put in front of him so he doesn't really count. Anyway, I picked up some Quorn Grounds, that I originally got to try for free as one of my Buzz campaigns, and used it in place of ground beef for my taco's. It was great and I couldn't tell the difference at all. The boys had ground beef and I had Quorn Grounds. I think that the fact that I got to try this new soy-free meat substitute about 4-6 weeks before being told to go vegetarian was no coincidence. I'm allergic to soy protein, and milk, so I couldn't do it before but now I think I'll be okay.

The school term is almost over, and I'm still doing very well. I learned from my mistakes last term and I made sure to check on my final project regularly throughout the term so that I could work on it as I went. I'm well prepared to write my paper for my psychology class, and I've got my final draft reviewed and approved for my composition class. I've enrolled in my classes for next term, which are an Algebra class and Honors Cognitive Psychology. I'll be going back to work in a few weeks and I'll be working on finishing up the four projects that I cast on in the last week.

Well, before I go in to wash dishes and frost Dante's cake, I want to say that I got to meet Nancy today and it was a real pleasure! Nancy is bright, and sunny, and pleasant. Hopefully she'll be around on craft night and get to come along.

And it begins

Today I spoke to the woman who will be Dante's tutor and set up their first session. She lives right next to my gym so I'll drop him off and go work out. I also was advised to call today and ask the principal if I can borrow the text book for next year, and good thing that I got this advice today because it was her last day. I'm on my way to being a manicuring slave, but it'll be well worth it when my son goes into 7th grade understanding what he's being taught. And while I was making phone calls today I called the LEA and left her a message expressing my concern that he passed math considering that every peace of information that came home showed him to be failing. I asked her to look at his teacher's grade book to prove how he passed, since i believe that they passed him so that they can get rid of me and avoid paying for his services. Little do they know that I'm now an informed parent with resources and it's not going to be so easy. If anything, they ticked me off further.

I checked the mail today and received my package from The Knitters Guild of America. It was just a print out in an envelope of several assignments. I was expecting a large package or something, (not sure why) so I was a little disappointed when I initially opened the envelope. After I had time to look over it, I felt a little apprehensive about my abilities. It's not enough to knit the 16 swatches, answer the 17 questions and turn in the research paper...it has to be done correctly and if it's not up to standards it will be sent back to be redone. I have a year from the date that I received the kit (today) to complete the assignments (also nerve wrecking...will I need a year?) and if it takes me over that I'll have to go online to see if the assignments have been revised and get a newer copy. This is something that I've wanted to do for a while but I feel a little insecure about it now. I'm sure that like most things, I'm making this way harder than it needs to be and once I learn to relax and simplify I'll do just fine.

In other news, Dante will be 12 on Sunday and he will be ordained into the Aaronic Priesthood on the same day. I can't really think about it too much because it really means a lot to me and I cry every time I think about it. I feel like I've accomplished something and that for all the screwing up I've done, I did something right. I can really feel how connected he is to God and I feel like all the struggling I've done, and all the times that I went to church even when I didn't feel like it have paid off and now I can see the start of the results from the seed that I planted 10 years ago. I'm going to have the priesthood in my home and my oldest son (whom I don't trust to take cookies out of the oven or use a steak knife) will have a great responsibility granted to him. I have to remember that he's capable of more than I give him credit for, and so are all of the rest of us. Our Heavenly Father knows that, and it's our duty to try to remember it ourselves. And with that, I'll get off my soap box and get ready to go to knitting group.

February Lady Sweater

Today I finished my February Lady Sweater and blocked it. It's mostly dry but it took longer than usual due to the strange weather we've been having here this month. Our computer said that it was 94 and sunny today but it was in the 60's and raining all day. This is not the type of weather that wet wool dries well in. Thankfully I considered this when I blocked it so I only pinned it down and sprayed it till it was damp. I think I'll be living in this tomorrow while I start the reading for next week's unit in school.

While I was in my seminar tonight, knitting on my newest project- Mina's Tuxedo Vest from Custom Knits, my teacher put me on the spot and mentioned that I had read the discussion questions for the unit and prepared answers to those questions as instructed. She asked me to tell the class where I had found those questions and said that next week she expected everyone to be prepared. I sort of felt bad, like I'd been a show-off and I'd become that kid we all hated in school who jacked the grading curve all the way up. But I only follow directions, so it's not like I'm doing anything special...or maybe I am? Who knows. I have to agree with my friend who recently told me that her husband (who is a teacher) feels that students now-a-days have a sense of entitlement about them. They act like it is the teachers job to teach them and that it's not in any way their job to learn. Really, it's both. Students need to take advantage of the resources available to them and ask questions if they don't understand something, and teachers need to provide those resources and be available to answer questions. If this happens...people learn stuff.

Off my soap box now. I heard from the local bank that I interviewed with and they want to extend a job offer. The position I applied for was a teller job, but they talked to me about being their head teller, which is a position that they were creating and in the middle of having approved. Over the last few weeks I've touched base with the hiring manager and they let me know that they were close to having that position up and running. Today I spoke to her and she said it was taking a bit longer and wanted to know if I was interested in coming aboard at a temp with a local agency until the position was finalized. The pay is within a dollar of what I was earning per hour after five years of being with my last bank and the job requires less stress and aggravation, plus it's just about at the level that I was at my last job. There are no benefits though the temp agency but I'm covered by my old employer for four months per the terms of my severance so that may not be an issue for another 12 weeks. I have to pray about it to see if I should take the offer. I like the job and the idea of it, the pay is close, and the hours will be the same, but I'm really starting to like being home with my kids and I don't know if I want to go back to work. I was really hoping that Aaron would find something before I heard back so that maybe I wouldn't have to go back but no such luck. So I guess I'll pray about it, and knit on my vest that I picked out to wear to this job that I'm not sure if I'll be taking, and see what happens from there.

How do you eat a whale?

I don't know if anyone read Shel Sylverstein as a child but he had a poem about eating a whale and it basically said, one bite at a time. I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this one and I'm sure it will add unnecessary stress to my life, but I've decided to finally join the Knitters Guild of America and I've signed up for Level 1 of their Master Knitters program. This is an intensive correspondence course that will have me knitting several samples and completing research, and a written paper. After mailing back my work it will be graded and returned to me if anything needs adjustment. I won't be able to move on to Level 2 until I have passed Level 1. I've wanted to do this for five years and since I was paid out for my unused PTO and the extra week of PTO that I was purchasing, I decided to use that little bit extra to do something about it. Now when people tell me all the time that I should be selling my knitting, I can tell them that I'm in the process of improving my skill set so that I can make that happen. I feel very confident that by the time I finish this course I will have the knowledge necessary to be able to design my own patterns and then I will be able to sell my knitting because I won't be in danger of copy right infringement. I'm really excited about this and I can't wait for my kit to arrive in the mail. Maybe I'll get lucky and it will arrive during my week break between terms at Kaplan and I can spend some uninterrupted time going over it.

Today for father's day, I made my husband and boy a meat loaf with mashed potato's and a salad. They were all really impressed with the meat loaf, which I made from "The Book" and he suggested that we institute "Meat loaf Monday", which would be fine except that I've gone vegetarian and I just don't think I could struggle with the delightful smell of meat loaf coming from my oven once a week. I don't even like meat loaf but for some reason today I've been missing meat. I'm eating plenty of protein between lentil's, beans, peanut butter, and hummus but when I made my kids hot dogs for lunch (at the request of my very cranky 3-year old) I really wanted one, and again I don't even like hot dogs. Maybe I was being a bit cocky about how easy this switch off of meat has been for me and now I'm feeling it, or smelling it to be exact. I think I need to pick up some fish this week and that might take the edge off.

The FLS is cruising right along. I'm half way through the last sleeve right now and I hope to have it blocked and on my back by tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest. Then I have another sweater on deck but I've been asked by my mom to knit a pair of socks for my Grandmother, and my FIL needs a pair too, so I think the next two projects are going to be socks. Maybe I'll use the worsted weight Louet Gems I just got for practically nothing to knit his socks so that I can get them done quickly. I don't think that he'll ever wear them out of the house in shoes anyway so they don't really need to fit in his shoes. And Grandma has wool sensitivities so I'll be breaking into the cotton stash that I've been building up for my mom's socks. I don't usually deal with cotton, but I've been picking it up every time I find it on sale so that I can make her a new pair of socks, only I haven't had time to sit down and do that. I guess I do now though, and I do have a new book coming that's chocked full of great sock patterns so I think it won't be hard to get myself back in the sock knitting frame of mind.